Tuesday, March 27, 2012

And That's Goodbye.

One year since Prom.
I've been waiting for that day for months.
And then it was there, and we stood on your doorstep.

And neither of us cried. Not one tear.
My voice was small and I couldn't look you in the eye.
I held on to a tiny bit of your shirt, rubbing the fabric between my fingers.

"Is there anything you want to say to me?"
What kind of question is that? What kind of answer are you looking for?

I think that day made it very clear that I could never be a part of your family.
We both knew that.
So what did you want me to say?
You wanted me to say what I said. That you changed me. That you helped me. That I'm a better person now. In your mind, a little box gained a checkmark. I was crossed off the list of people to help.

Then I said "...and, and I lied. I said I didn't love you. But I do."
How nice is it to be wanted? Please, tell me. I haven't known in a long, long time.
What did I want you to say to that? The truth. Which you did. So that's fine.

Neither of us cried.
Except for I did. I went home and cried myself to sleep. Really. Not because I won't see you. I've been dealing with that for months.
Because I had to say goodbye to my memories. I replayed our whole relationship. It took me a good hour to relive the best parts. I took each memory, folded it up in a nice little square, and put it in a box. Eventually my memory room filled up with unlabeled white boxes. I hugged my Minnie Mouse a little tighter and locked the door.
I'll never walk into that room again.

It's been a year since our first date.
I'm not sad, really.
I still love myself and my life.
Just.... just.....

Neither of us cried.


2 comments:

  1. I love you Kim. You can do this. You're amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. you are the sunshine, kim. you deserve everything. i'm so proud of you.

    ReplyDelete