Saturday, November 24, 2012

Wait.

I'm finally beginning to understand
the splendor of waiting.
I'm beginning to understand
that we all need to slow down.
I'm beginning to understand
what makes me happy, and why it's worth waiting for.

All of my life, I've had to wait.
Being the most impatient person that I know, this is a monumental struggle for me.

Because I jumped the gun and skipped a grade, lots of my waiting comes from my age.
Wait to go to school.
                     Wait to turn 8 and be baptized.
        Wait to turn 12 and go to mutual.
                                             Wait to turn 14 and go to dances.
                               Wait to turn 16 and go on dates.
   Wait to turn 18 and be able to vote.
                                                    Wait to turn 19 and go on a mission.

Wait.

I'd get upset in the smallest instances of waiting. Waiting for my turn to do baptisms for the dead in the temple (read more here). Waiting in line at the grocery store when the next line over is moving faster. Waiting for a text, waiting for my turn in a game, waiting.

The irony of gaining patience is that to gain patience you must have patience.
The only way to be alright with waiting is to actually wait.


Can I tell you something?
Nothing is as sweet
as waiting for an hour and a half in the house of the Lord.
as listening to another instead of wanting to speak.
...as finally, finally hearing from someone that you love. 

Because if I never had to wait, I'd never see His splendor. And those five sentences he sent would never mean as much to me as they do now.


Monday, November 19, 2012

Vulnerability.

 My unsaid words are weighing me down.
I've been trying to let things go, to not worry about anything.

I though my troubles would float away like balloons.
But they don't.

 They stick to my skin and create this crust and are cutting off my air supply.

 It's true that not everything has to be said, but I'm not saying anything. My throat is clogged with the feelings I swallow.

I used to be so open. I used to be transparent. But glass is vulnerable; glass is flimsy. That's what I thought, anyway.

People often describe me as brave. Courageous. I jump of bridges and eat worms and  kill spiders, but that doesn't make me courageous.

The word "courageous" comes from the Latin word "cor" which means "heart". Being courageous involves putting your heart on the line even if it terrifies you. Courageous means following what your heart tells you. Courageous means not hiding or being ashamed of your feelings.

I'm trying so hard to not be dramatic that I'm losing my courage. I fear to say what's in my heart because I'm trying to be un-childish. Un-emotional. Un-whateverIwas.

The word "vulnerable" comes from the Latin word "vulner" which means "wound". Being vulnerable means showing your wounds, exposing your Achilles Heel. Allowing your enemies and your demons to see your soft spot.

So often we look at vulnerability as a bad thing. As something to avoid. We see vulnerability as a weakness.

But if we build our walls so thick that our enemies can't get in, neither can our friends. If we build our walls so thick that nothing can hurt us, then we can never escape ourselves.

I've been trying to hard to block up ever crack in my wall of invulnerability that I've sacrificed my courage in the process.

I'm going crazy in my self-made citadel with only myself for company.
I'm trying so hard not to care, not to sweat anything, not to feel any sadness.
I'm drowning in the feelings I've locked in.
I built a submarine to keep myself safe, but I'm running out of air and I feel a drip drip drip from the ceiling.

I've buried myself in Green Gables and Downton so that I don't have to feel my own feelings.

I've lost my vulnerability, and so I've lost my courage.

It's hard to find anything more terrifying than the loneliness that comes when I'm on my knees crying and sobbing and I discover that I've lost the ability to be honest with myself.

Your struggle is not your identity.


Be you, bravely.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Growing Pains

This post is dedicated to the 10+ started-but-never-finished blog posts sitting on my computer.

To my little sister who is ten times more stunning than me. She's beautiful.
To my other little sister who just got 100% on her spelling test. She'll be just as beautiful as her older sister.

To the boy wearing the D-Backs hat at the Creamery. Thanks for letting me stare at your head for a while.

To my cheeks. I don't think they ever stopped being chubby since I got my wisdom teeth out.
To the two times a week I give plasma. I basically sell my body for money. It's blood prostitution.

To Wednesdays, which are mission call days.
To the fact that I don't turn 19 until September. Sometimes I love that and sometimes I hate it.

But mostly, this post is dedicated to the one follower who stopped following  me today. I'm always told that numbers don't mean anything, but sometimes it feels like they do.

So this post is to the Growing Pains. To being comfortable with who I am and not needing to change for anyone else. Or to prove a boy wrong.

What I work on to make myself better is between me and my Heavenly Father. Not between an ex-boyfriend or ex-blog follower.

Simple as that.



Monday, November 5, 2012

The 29 Second Fireworks Show Inside of Me (Or, A Post I'm Proud Of)



5' 4 1/2", dark-dark brown hair, hazel eyes, 116 lbs, female, size 8 shoe.

For someone who takes up so little space in this universe, I sure do feel a lot. No more than the average person, but still a lot. Sometimes I wonder how so many emotions can fit inside of me, and then I wonder how anyone could question the actuality of God. How could you be created without Him? Go ahead and try to explain it away with evolution, but I am no accident.

And all my emotions, they seem to take up more space than I physically do. They seem to be too much for one person, but if I only had emotions exactly proportional to my size, I think I'd be less of a person than any person should ever be. Funny how that works.


In my skin pores I keep the Stress of school assignments and making sure I do all I can.

My knees keep the Silliness of creeping around campus late at night, running around on a secret mission with the likes of Agent Red Eagle and Colonel Sanders.

The Yearning for a good book is engrained to my brain. It's always been there and isn't going anywhere soon.

My tear ducts are filled with all Missing from the goodbyes to all of my boys, and I think Perspective has built up a wall blocking the waterways, because I've only cried at one Farewell. But the dry tear ducts hold the goodbyes, anyway.

My Insecurity is braided into my hair and I tried to untangle it every day. I'll get all these knots out, eventually.

The space right behind my stomach holds the Apprehension, the inevitable feeling that the Good Thing I'm planning is going to fall through.

The late night Happiness stays right in my throat, ready to come out with the laughter that accompanies arms-behind-you running, 2 a.m. screaming, and the jokes we tell right as we fall asleep.

And my heart, well, it's a human heart, so what can you expect? My heart holds more emotions than the rest of my body put together. It holds the Melancholy, the Sunshine, the Empathy, the Devotion, the Love.


The Indefinable "They" always say that emotions are like a roller coaster, but I think emotions are more like that fireworks show when all the fireworks went off at one time. You expect to see something understandable and orderly and predictable (at least ups where there are supposed to be ups and downs when there are supposed to be downs), but instead all you see is 29 seconds of everything all at once.

It's confusing and overwhelming and incomprehensible, but probably the best fireworks show you've ever seen.

map of love
I cannot get enough.

Friday, November 2, 2012

The Universe Does Not Owe You A Boyfriend.

This man is wonderful. 

When he speaks I'm like "....oh...... I GET IT now!"
My favorite part is when he says that if you are 100% the best you can be, you are still only  50% of what it takes to make a great relationship. So if you're not as awesome as you can be by yourself, then you're not gonna be awesome with someone else.

Just.... love.

A Note To The Reader: I did not search this video on Youtube. I did NOT type in "I need a boyfriend" into the search bar. I just love to listen to him talk, and I especially love this one.