December 11th, 2011 was the worst day of my life. I have written in my journal every single day since I was 14, but I didn't write in my journal December 10-11th 2011. I didn't even think about writing in my journal. I just sat on my ground, laid on my bed, rested on my mom's shoulder, and cried. I felt like there was this hole inside of me, right where my heart-- no, my stomach, no, my entire torso-- should be. I felt like my ribs had been open and everything they were protecting was ripped out of me. I felt gutted.
Let me put this in perspective for you: I didn't cry at graduation, my sister's wedding, or any missionary farewells (except one: yours). But oh, how I cried December 11, 2011.
I've changed a lot in the past year. I committed to being so much better than I was before. I decided to start saying "I love you" to my family. I don't want to take them for granted. I've tried to not sweat the smalls stuff. I try to do more service. I'm someone that I like to be.
Can I tell you something? December 11, 2011 was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Not only what you did, but how you did it. You tore me apart. Then you ignored me for 3.5 months. You left and you took my life with you.
So I started building a new life. This time, on firmer ground.
I'm happy. A while ago I tried to wallow about something. I couldn't do it. Honestly: I had my ice cream, my TSwift, my baseball tshirt. But I couldn't do it! I liked life too much! Yes, I have my bad days. But they don't revolve around you. You don't hold me down anymore. I think you'd like that.
See, I love you. One year later, I still do. But it does not envelope me, confine me, depress me, upset me, obsess me. I've said it before: I love you with the good kind of love. You made me a better person, even in your leaving. And maybe one day I won't love you anymore. I'll be happy when that happens, because that means my heart will have found its way back to me. That day isn't today, but I'm not going to wait for then to be happy.
There are two things I always want to say to you: 1)I'm sorry. My apologies weigh down my tongue and I try to make sure they all sail over the sea to you so you'll understand that there are only two things I regret in life and I've tried to make up for both of them the best I can. I hope one day they'll be enough. 2) Thank you. For everything. For Sunshine and Minnie and quality and cheesesteaks (that I can't eat anymore, I'm a vegetarian!) and kisses and Star Wars and LOTR and Captain America and the email I got from you on Monday. Thank you.
Oh, and, 3) I love you. But you already knew that, didn't you?
This year has been a great year. Today is December 11th, 2012, and I am happy.